Chapter 2: Pain and Loss
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything from Buffy or Angel, but I’m borrowing them to fix Whedon’s mistakes.
It had been 4 days since Lorne’s revelation; Wolfram & Hart’s influence on the world seemed to be fading. Their offices all over the world were abandoned and many people who presumably were their clients were being arrested or turned up dead. Taking out the Black Thorn worked, but Buffy had never looked worse.
Angel’s death was inconceivable to her, it was a horrible blow to know he was dead, but the news of Spike was the straw that broke her back. When Spike died destroying Sunnydale she mourned him, she never let it show how much his loss affected her, but everyone got the vibe that she was really hurting. Now she didn’t bother hiding it, she was completely destroyed. She hadn’t spoken since that night and her friends were really getting worried. She didn’t cry, but seeing the despair in her eyes made it clear that she gone way past crying. The deadness in her eyes was disturbing; she never looked like this even when things got bad Angel or Riley, or even when she came back from Heaven. She went out at nights to patrol, a sure sign that she was in trouble because she hadn’t patrolled since they got to Rome, they already had 6 slayers in Rome so there was no need for her to go out. But every night she went out with a stake and came back hours later covered in guts and dirt. Sometimes after patrol, she’d stop by Lorne’s club ‘Caritas’ and hear what Spike did while he was back. She would just lay in her bed staring at the ceiling, silent tears rolling down her cheeks. She thought of all the times she and Spike had together, she remembered all the missed opportunities to tell him she loved him, she thought of his last moments and his refusal of love. She hoped, she prayed that he just said it to get her out of there, that he knew inside that she meant it. She missed him so much, but at least he died knowing he was loved. Or so she thought. He didn’t believe her, and that’s why he never came back. He had a second chance, they had a second chance, and it was gone because when she finally admitted that she loved him he didn’t believe.
Dawn had taken it hard as well; she hadn’t stopped crying since she found out. She always loved Spike like a brother, but things were strained between them after the bathroom incident. After the First showed up Dawn wanted to tell Spike that she still loved him, but then the Bringers kidnapped him and they became distanced once the potentials around. She had tried to find a way to tell him that she still loved him and thought of him as her older brother, but then there was the thing when they kicked Buffy out and the big fight with the First and then it was too late. She never told him that she still loved him, and now he had a chance to start over with them and it was gone. He could’ve been with them all this time, he could’ve been there to see Rome with her, he could’ve been with Buffy, the love of his life, but he wasn’t.
The Scoobies decided that they should stay in town until Buffy and Dawn were feeling better. They all met at Xander’s hotel room, which he now shared with Andrew since it was decided that he wasn’t welcome in the Summers’ house anymore. They looked into the information of he “Hell A” incident, in futile hopes of finding information on Spike. Everything between the Hyperion and Wolfram & Hart was devastated, the wreckage was worse than anything LA had ever seen. The city was deserted when it all went down, only four human casualties were found. Lindsey McDonald was found shot twice in the ruins of a mansion near the edge of town. Charles Gunn was found with his throat slit and a large knife in his chest in an alley. Conner Reilly was found near the remains of the Hyperion hotel with a huge gash in his stomach and several broken bones; he was pronounced alive, but in a coma. An unidentified brunette woman was found buried in the wreckage of the Wolfram & Hart building; it was originally thought she died when the building collapsed but it was deemed a suicide when they found a bullet in her head that matched the ones in the gun in her hand.
“Crap, the green dude wasn’t exaggerating.” Kennedy said, looking at photos of the disaster.
“I remember seeing pictures like this of wrecked cities when we studied World War II, but to think this happened only a few days ago…” Willow said shaking her head.
“According to Lorne, this Lindsey guy was with him and Angel,” Xander said, looking through the reports. “But Lindsey was going to stab them in the back so he killed him.”
“Yeah, and the Smurf girl was Fred.” Willow said sadly. “Too bad they didn’t call me, I liked her, I could’ve helped.”
“Actually, they did call you about something.” Giles said, cleaning his glasses.
“What?! Why didn’t you tell me?!” Willow asked shocked.
“Well, after they tried to take Dana, I thought hey might be trying something.” Giles said, mentally kicking himself for not listening. “God forgive me.”
“I still can’t believe Spike was back and he didn’t come looking for Buffy and Dawn.” Xander said, looking through another file. “I mean they were his life, or unlife.”
“I guess B’s last words really pushed him, whatever she said.” Faith said, looking at the pictures of the wreckage.
“What did she say anyway?” Willow asked. “Andrew, you were with them for the last few months, what did they say?”
“They didn’t really talk about Spike, and I never brought him up cause I didn’t want to rat on him. I’m so stupid.” Andrew said, his voice cracking. He felt like an even bigger idiot than before, all that talk about Buffy had moved on and that she didn’t trust them anymore. If he had said something when he and Angel were in Rome this might not be happening. “He and Angel were here, a few weeks ago they were in Rome because they heard that she was with the Immortal. I told them she’d moved on, that she was happy with him. Then a week later he cheats on her and now Spike’s dead. Oh God, what did I do?”
“I think maybe we should talk to Buffy about this.” Xander said, putting a file down.
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Kennedy asked. “With the way she’s taking this, is opening even more old wounds a good plan?”
“She loved Spike.” Xander said, looking at the floor. “She never told any of us how much Spike meant to her, she’s been carrying this by herself all along and I think we need to help her deal. Cause, whatever we find isn’t going to bring him back.”
“You’re right.” Giles said, getting his keys. “We need to speak to them before they do something rash.” They got into Giles’ car and drove back to the Summers’ apartment. They entered to find Dawn lying on the coach holding one of the few pictures of Spike that they saved from Sunnydale, her eyes puffy and red from crying all night.
“Dawn, are you OK?” Willow asked, kneeling down by the miserable teen.
“Yeah I’m great,” Dawn replied, her voice hoarse from crying. “I just found out my best friend has been back from the dead for months and the reason he never came to see me and Buffy was because he thought we didn’t care about him. He died thinking I hated him.”
“Dawnie.” Willow said gathering the teen into her arms, as she started sobbing her heart out. “I’m so sorry, Dawnie.”
“I miss him so much, Willow.” Dawn said, holding her for dear life. She just sat there, until Dawn just fell asleep crying in her arms.
“I’ll take her to her room.” Willow said, getting up with Dawn in her arms.
“So, how do we do this?” Xander asked the gang as Willow came back from Dawn’s room.
“I think it might be best if just Willow, Xander and myself see her for now. No offence intended, but she wasn’t exactly close to the rest of you.” Giles said. Faith, Kennedy and Andrew nodded and sat down as three of the original Scooby Gang went to see the fourth.
“Buffy?” Willow asked, pushing the bedroom door open. She looked into the dark room; Buffy lay curled in the fetal position on the bed, the blanket wrapped tightly around her, just starring off into space. “Buffy, it’s Willow.”
“And Xander,” Xander said, walking followed by Giles “and Giles.”
“Buffy, I think we should talk.” Willow said, sitting next to her on the bed. The slayer just stared into space, Willow feared that maybe she’d gone catatonic again. “Buffy?”
“I don’t wanna talk.” Buffy said in a strangled voice.
“Buffy, I know you’re hurting, but we’re trying to help you.” Xander said, standing near the bed.
“There’s nothing anyone can do to help.” Buffy said, still in a small voice.
“Losing him is that bad?” Xander asked, knowing the answer.
“I should’ve told him sooner. I should’ve told him earlier, then he would’ve believed me.”
“Believed what?” Giles asked.
“That I loved him. I told him, I told him right before it all came crashing down. But he didn’t believe me. He said ‘no you don’t, but thanks for sayin’ it.’ I had so many opportunities to tell him, but I was too ashamed.”
“Ashamed?” Willow asked, confused.
“I went to him when I got back, to talk and vent about being back from Heaven. After the musical I kissed him a few times, but I kept telling him it was just a slip. Then I found out about his chip. He could hit me and it wouldn’t shock him, I thought that I must have come back wrong. I gave up a little, we fought a little but it degenerated into a night of unrestrained sex. I ran off the next morning, but I kept going back almost every night. I’d go to see him, we’d do it and I’d just run off saying that it was wrong. I used him, I just used him whenever I wanted. I even beat him to a pulp for trying to stop me from turning myself in for that girl’s murder. And all he ever gave me in return was declarations of love. I had Tara look into it for me, only to find out that I didn’t come back wrong. I just got a mystical tan or something; I was still the same inside. I begged her to tell me that I was wrong, that there was something grossly wrong with me for wanting to be with him. I couldn’t bear the thought of you guys finding out, the looks of disgust you’d have.”
“I’m so sorry.” Willow said, rubbing Buffy’s shoulder.
“I broke up with him after Riley came back with his wife. He didn’t take it well, and then there was that whole fiasco with him and Anya. He came over to apologize, I told him that I had feelings for him but I couldn’t trust him enough to love him. He tried to convince me that it was OK to like him, that I didn’t have to hide my feelings from him anymore. He said that I felt love for him when we slept together; he thought that if we just did it again everything would be fine. When we had our little sessions, no always meant yes, he just didn’t realize I meant no this time.”
“Buffy, don’t act like that was your fault!” Xander said, stepping forward.
“I’m not, he knew it was his fault, he looked horrified when he realized what he tried to do.” Buffy continued. “So he left. He went through some mystical trials to get his soul back, he came back to Sunnydale with his soul and it drove him crazy. The First kidnapped him and bled him to release the Ubervamp, he was beaten and tortured for days but he ever gave in. He knew I believed in him and that I’d come for him. I kept him at arm’s length after that, I was so afraid I’d lose him again. I kept telling myself that I shouldn’t let my feelings show, but it shined through. It didn’t cloud my judgment about the First, but it almost killed him when Wood and Giles tried to get rid of him. I felt like someone was trying to take away my world. I buried whatever love I had for anything for after the battle was over. I tried to be the general, but I guess you remember what happened.” The Scoobies remembered the worst night of their friendship, the night they kicked her out of her own house.
“I walked around until I found a house to stay in, I just went to the bedroom and lay in the bed until the next night. I thought about all of you, how much I let you down, the girls that died, everything. Until Spike came, he told me that I was right about something being in Caleb’s vineyard but I didn’t move. Everyone had given up on me and I had given up on everything. He tried to get me to get up and go back but I didn’t. I told him how I had disconnected myself from the people I cared about, and I told him that he just wanted me because I was unattainable. Do you know what he said to that?” Buffy asked, fresh tears spring in her eyes. Her friends listened intently.
“I’ve been alive a bit longer than you, and dead a lot longer than that. I’ve seen things you couldn’t imagine, and done things I prefer you didn’t. I don’t exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood, which doesn’t exactly rush in the direction of my brain. So I make a lot of mistakes, a lot of wrong bloody calls. A hundred plus years, and there’s only one thing I’ve ever been sure of: you. I’m not asking you for anything. When I say I love you it’s not because I want you or because I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you, and I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You’re a hell of a woman. You’re the one Buffy.” The core Scoobies stared dumbfounded, tears their eyes from the most heartfelt speech they’d ever heard.
“I asked him to stay with me that night, I asked him to hold me while I slept. He gave me the strength to get the Scythe from Caleb, he gave me the confidence to win the fight. He told me the next night that that night was the best night of his life. Then Angel showed up, he gave me that amulet that Spike wore in the Hellmouth. I gave Spike the amulet; I called him a champion, my champion. He wore it and it destroyed the First’s army and collapsed the Hellmouth. The place was falling down around us; I begged him to come with me, but he said that he had to stay and finish it. I grabbed his hand, it burst into flames but I kept holding on. I told him that I loved him, and he said I didn’t. ‘No you don’t but thanks for saying it.’ I let him die thinking I didn’t love him. And now I find out that he came back, that I could’ve told him what he meant to me. That I meant it when I told him I loved him, and now it’s too late.” The Scoobies stood incredulous, tears rolling down their faces.
“I’m so sorry, Buffy.” Giles said, not believing that he had tears in his eyes about Spike.
“It’s my own fault. If I had said it before he would’ve believed me. He would’ve come home, to Dawn and me. But he didn’t. Because he I let him die thinking I didn’t love him. I gave him the amulet, and it killed him. I killed him. He died and… Oh God.” Buffy said, voice barely above a whisper.
“Buffy.” Willow tried to console her, but Buffy just stood up and waked towards the door. “Buffy, please let us help you.” Willow pleaded.
“There’s nothing to help, Will. He’s gone, and it’s my fault.” Buffy said, exiting the apartment. She walked to the cemetery, hoping to find a vamp or demon to let loose on. Lucky day, she finally ran into a vampire.
“Hello little girl, ready to die?” the vamp sneered.
“No, I wish I was, but that would mean he died in vain.” Buffy said, punching the vamp in the stomach. She pummeling him without stopping, she just kept punching and kicking. She just beat him until the bloodsucker was bruised, battered, and most of his bones were broken. He lay there, bleeding and broken, but Buffy continued to let loose punch after punch. She punctuated each hit with her words.
“I…” punch
“loved…” punch
“you…” punch
“you...” punch
“idiot!” punch
“Why…” punch.
“didn’t…” punch.
“you…” punch
“believe…” punch
“me?!” punch
“Why…” punch
“didn’t…” punch
“you…” punch
“come…” punch
“back…” punch
“you…” punch
“stupid…” punch
“vampire?!” punch, punch, punch, punch. She pulled back for another punch, but stopped when she saw the vampire she was attacking. It was worse than when she beat Spike up outside the police station.
“Please just stake me already!” The vampire begged, blood dripping from his mouth. She raised the stake and plunged it into the broken vampire’s heart. She screamed into the night, her body and mind racked with pain and sadness.
“I love you, Spike. Where ever you are, I hope you know that I was telling the truth.” She just sat there, trying to fight the pain and praying that Spike would come back, or at least know that she really loved him.
She walked out of the graveyard, feeling even worse then when she entered. She walked the streets of Rome, as beautiful as it was it just made her think of Spike and their missed opportunities. She decided to stop by Caritas and see Lorne. She walked through the entrance, handing her stake over to the bouncer, Val Trepkos. She saw the demon bar was packed with human, demons and vamps; she remembered that the place had a no-violence spell on it, otherwise she’d probably let her frustration out on a few of Lorne’s clientele. She noticed Illyria wander around the club; she wasn’t sure exactly what Illyria’s job was, she just seemed to just hang around the club. She saw Groo at the bar, serving a martini to a Torto demon and his parasite.
“Groo.” Buffy said, getting the champion’s attention.
“Lady Buffy, what brings you here?” He asked, shaking her hand.
“I need to see Lorne.” She said. “Oh, and a glass of water, please.”
“As you wish.” Groo said, immediately getting her drink. “Lorne’s outback getting more of this strange drink called Tickle-ya.” Groo said, holding up a near empty bottle.
“It’s called Tequila.” Buffy corrected.
“Oh right.” Groo said, snapping his fingers.
“Thanks, I’ll wait for him.” Buffy said, sitting on a stool.
“Greetings, Slayer.” Illyria said, suddenly standing beside her.
“Hi, Illyria.” Buffy said, sipping her water.
“You have shed blood tonight.” The former Old One said.
“Yes, I have.” Buffy said, remember how she tore into that vampire earlier.
“You were attempting to deal with your grief for Spike through violence.” Illyria said bluntly. Buffy studied Illyria, her frankness reminded her of Anya.
“Yes.” Buffy said simply.
“Did it help?” Illyria asked.
“No.” Buffy sighed.
“I thought not.” Illyria replied. “The crunch of bones, the tearing of flesh, the taste of blood has become unfulfilling to me. It did not help my grief when Wesley died, it will not help you with yours.” She said, and then walked off.
“Nice talking to you.” Buffy said under her breath as Illyria went away. She was right though, she could beat up all the vampires in the world and it still wouldn’t make her feel better.
“I meant to say before,” Groo said in solemn voice. “I offer my most heartfelt condolences for the loss of the one called Spike. He seemed like a brave champion.”
“He was.” Buffy said, folding her hands.
“I’m back.” Lorne said, hauling a case of Tequila behind the bar. “Hey, Groo, be a lamb and go grab some more olives and maraschino cherries. We’re getting a little low.”
“At once, Lorne.” Groo said, and went back to the storeroom.
“Hey Lorne.” Buffy said, giving the green guy a little wave.
“Hello Buffy, nice to see you again.” Lorne said, going behind the bar. “How you holdin’ up, Sugar?”
“Not good, Lorne.” Buffy said, as Lorne saw the sorrow in her eyes.
“Well, take it from someone who knows, drinking won’t take the pain away. You can drink my whole inventory but it won’t make it better.” Lorne said, remember the days he spent getting drunk after Fred died.
“I know. I’m not here to drink.” Buffy said looking at the green demon. “I’m here to sing.”
“What?” Lorne asked, she never sang before.
“I want to sing a song for him. Maybe he’ll hear me where he is. And besides, you can read me and help.”
“OK Pumpkin, you can go on after the Thrachnog demon.” Lorne said, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder. The Thrachnog demon stopped early when its heads got into an argument when one slipped on a verse. Buffy walked up onto the stage and looked through the songbook. She picked one and picked up the microphone.
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When I cried you'd wipe away all of my tears
When I'd scream you'd fight away all of my fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When I cried you’d wipe away all of my tears
When I’d scream you’d fight away all of my fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
When I cried you’d wipe away all of my tears
When I’d scream you’d fight away all of my fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
When Buffy finished the whole bar was dead silent. Everyone, human or demon, was crying their eyes out at the heartbroken song and the emotion of the blonde woman singing it. Then the whole place stood and applauded.
“I do not understand,” Illyria said looking at Lorne. “That sound makes grief and sadness rise in my mind, and drops of water are flowing from my eyes. What is this?”
“Music Bluebird,” Lorne said, wiping his eyes. “I guess nobody’s immune to it. Excuse me.” Lorne walked up to the stage, Buffy smiled through the tears hoping that Spike heard her. “Well that was great folks, Buffy the Vampire Slayer everybody.”
“I hope he heard me.” Buffy said, wiping her eyes.
“He did, Crumpet he did. Now, step to the right.” Lorne said. Buffy looked at him strangely but took a step to the right. “Little further.” Lorne pulled Buffy to the edge of the stage.
“What’s going on?” Buffy asked, wondering why Lorne was acting so weird.
“You’ll see in 5…4…3…2…” before Lorne could get to one, several bolts of lightning struck the stage. They began to weave and zap around the stage, making the area bend and shimmer. A huge light opened out of the bending and lightning, something opened a portal in Caritas. Again. The shock wore off as Buffy heard the faint sound of screaming coming from the portal, and it seemed to be getting louder and closer by the second. There was a bright flash and something flew from the portal, crashing into the three tables closest to the stage. The portal closed and Buffy and Lorne looked down at the wreckage of the three tables and the thing from the portal lying in a heap.
“What the hell?” Buffy cried, looking at the smashed tables.
“Don’t ask me, Cookie.” Lorne said, frazzled by this. “Why does this always happen in my bar?”
They went over and saw the thing from the portal was a human body. Lorne turned it over and looked at its face. Buffy gasped; the duster, the black clothes, the platinum hair, the scar. Buffy couldn’t think, she couldn’t move. She just said one word in a voice barely louder then a whisper.
“Spike?”
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I took some liberties with "My Immortal".
Review and I’ll hurry on the next chapter.
Review and I’ll hurry on the next chapter.