PART TWO
Buffy, Willow, and Xander stayed and watched the rest of Spikes set in an awkward silence, and it wasn’t until his last song was almost over that Buffy excused herself from the table, claiming she needed to use the ladies room. It was obvious, she knew, but she didn’t care. Once she was out of sight she quickly changed her destination and began to look for a way backstage. She found it easily, but didn’t need to go all the way back to see Spike.
From where she stood, partially blocked by a large black curtain, she could see Spike sitting on a table with his head resting on his clenched fist and a cigarette dangling from the fingers on his other hand.
Her stomach fluttered at the sight of him, all sweaty and worked up. Her heart skipped a beat when he sat up abruptly, but she calmed once she saw who she assumed was the manager of the club, walk up and shake Spikes hand. Drowning out the noise of the crowd behind her she honed in on her slayer senses and listened in on the conversation.
“You feelin’ alright, man? You don’t look so hot,” the man said to Spike.
Spike put out his cigarette and hopped off the table to stand with him. “I’ve ‘ad better days. So how’d we do?”
“You brought in our biggest crowd yet. People can’t get enough of you.”
Spike crossed his arms and nodded but never smiled.
“Here’s your cut, man. Five large. All you gotta do is sign on the bottom line and please tell me you’ll be back next month!”
Buffy’s eyes grew wide as she watched Spike sign a piece of paper on a clip board and take a large wad of cash from the other man. She immediately felt as if she’d been slapped, her guilt overwhelming.
By scaring people into giving it to you? Pick pocketing from people? No Spike! I don’t want your dirty money!
Just as Spikes head started to turn in her direction, Buffy was yanked backwards and out of sight as if she’d never been there. When she spun around to confront the person who’d grabbed her she came face to face with Xander, Willow looking over his shoulder. Neither looked pleased.
“Buff, what’s going on between you and Spike?”
x X x X x X x
Buffy had tossed and turned in her bed for hours, unable to sleep after Xander had dropped her and Willow off at home after their outing to the other club.
Unable to think of an excuse on the spot, Buffy had finally admitted to Xander and Willow about her relationship… or affair rather, with Spike. Willow had looked worried. Xander didn’t speak the entire way home. All she and Willow got from him when he dropped them off was a simple ‘see ya.’
He had driven away leaving them standing at the foot of the driveway and Willow stood fidgeting and uncomfortable looking. She seemed unsure of what to say to her after Xander left, but didn’t seem at all angry. She just gave her an awkward reassuring hug and told her she would talk to her in the morning, hurrying up to bed.
Buffy wanted so badly to be mad at Spike for ruining her fun night out with her best friends, to blame him for following her wherever she went, but she couldn’t. It wasn’t his fault. He was doing something beautiful and amazing, yet obviously painful at the same time. She had done some pretty horrible things to him in the past, but she couldn’t be mad at him for pouring his heart out and earning a living… er, un-living?
Buffy shook her head as she rolled over and faced her window. It was a cloudy night but she could still see blue moonlight shining through the curtains. She tucked a hand under her pillow and wished that Spike would be outside her window, loitering under her tree and polluting her lawn with his cigarettes like he used to so she could talk to him. There was so much she wished she had the courage to say to him.
The events of tonight had her in a whirlwind. So many emotions were coursing through her at that moment. She wanted to run into his arms and kiss his cheeks and forehead and tell him they could be together, that she was sorry for doubting him. Another part of her wanted to smash that stupid sexy guitar of his and shred the lyrics to his devastatingly good songs, solely so she could piss him off. Because lets face it… he was so sexy when he was pissed off.
Buffy forced back the small smile that was forming and tried to focus on what to do about the thing with Spike. She’d go talk to him tomorrow, during the day, maybe, when he couldn’t run from her. Well now, that thought was just stupid. He had never run from her. She was the one who seemingly always did the running. With that thought she frowned. Perhaps tomorrow was the day to turn over a new leaf, and surprise everyone by totally and completely not running away… for once.
Maybe.
x X x X x X x
Buffy was moving quickly about the house, gathering little things like stakes and her jacket, all the while stopping to check her appearance in the mirror each time she passed it as she got ready to go out. She needed to see if he was back. She needed to talk to him. Regardless of that need to talk to him, though, she had absolutely no idea what she was going to say to him. Hey, caught your show last night. Impressive. Care to explain? She doubted that would get her mixed-emotions and hesitant mood across.
She was sorry, she truly was. She just didn’t know how to say it to him without him getting googly eyed or perverse. She just wanted to talk to him normal, and not have to deal with the sexual undercurrent, if that was at all possible. There had always been a sort of sexual tension between them, even before his confession of love. It was just something about the way they were together. They way they fought, the way they moved… but she couldn’t let anything spur of the moment happen tonight, she needed seriousness. She only hoped he would understand that when she showed up at his crypt, and for once she had a feeling he would. He knew she was at the show, just like she knew he was there before he’d even stepped foot on stage. It was that thing they did to each other. He could feel her as much, if not more, than she could feel him when they were around each other.
She gave him credit for still having the courage to step onto stage and perform knowing she was watching. That her friends were watching. He’d dealt with enough scrutiny from them for a lifetime… or two.
With a deep breath Buffy moved to open the front door and leave, when suddenly she was face to face with Xander who had his hand raised and had apparently been waiting just outside the front door about to knock.
“Xander,” she said surprised, backing away and giving him his space back. She ducked her eyes a little and held the door open but never really invited him in. “What are you doing here? I’m about to go patrol.”
Xander smirked as he side stepped her to enter the foyer. “You mean go see Spike, right?”
Buffy looked at him, brushed a piece of hair away from her mouth and ducked her head, closing the front door behind him and crossing her arms in front of her body.
Xander felt bad immediately by the way he’d obviously made her uncomfortable. “Don’t worry,” he said softly. “I didn’t come here to argue or fight with you. I just-“ he paused, sighing. “I just don’t understand why you didn’t tell me sooner.”
And there it was; the guilt trip Buffy had been waiting for. She sighed and shrugged her shoulders. “What I do with Spike is my business. I wanted something that I could control… since clearly the rest of my life is in everyone else’s hands,” she said feeling guilty by the look of hurt on his face. “I was afraid of how you and Willow and Tara would react,” she said looking up at him through her eye lashes. “I didn’t want anyone interfering with my life anymore,” she said looking him square in the eye. “I knew how you would react and I didn’t want it.”
Xander turned to face her fully and opened his arms up. “Well Buff how else did you expect us to react? He’s a vampire. We all know how that turned out last time…”
Buffy sucked in a deep breath and tried to calm herself as she felt the rage building inside. “This isn’t the same. Spike and Angel couldn’t be any more different…”
Xander nodded and looked at the look of anguish on her face. He could see how everything was affecting her now, and he was just amazed that neither he nor anyone else in the group saw it before. Spike did, he thought, and all bets were off. He knew…the first night, when they’d brought her back. Everyone was questioning her and bombarding her with questions… and Spike slipped quietly out the front door without a single word. He’d left her alone to deal, and to think things through for herself. Maybe that was the difference that Buffy had been looking for. Someone who would let her be.
Xander chuckled. “I know.”
Buffy had been preparing for more of a fight, and her friend’s simple response surprised caught her off guard. “What?”
Xander took a tentative step toward his friend and gave her his best half smile that his somber self could manage. “As much as it pains me to say this… I don’t hate the thought of you being with Spike.”
Buffy’s eyes grew to the size of blimps. “Huh?”
Xander shrugged and looked behind him to the living room. “You wanna sit down for a minute? I feel like we should clear the air here a little bit.”
Buffy hesitated for a moment before following him into her living room, sitting perched on the edge of the couch as he sat in the chair across from her. Xander gave her a sympathetic smile and took a deep breath.
“I know he loves you. As much as I hate to admit it, he does love you. I used to deny it, vehemently for that matter, before you were gone. But he wouldn’t have stuck around after you were gone if he didn’t,” he said giving her a pointed look. “He loves Dawn, and he has been fighting the good fight for… a while now. A lot of us would have dies over the summer if it hadn’t been for him fighting along side us. He did your job while you were gone.”
Buffy’s eyes welled up at her friend’s sincerity, and part of her still couldn’t believe what she was hearing. All this time she was afraid to tell them, and Willow reacted with a hug and Xander was surprising her with the go ahead.
“I see the way the guy looks at you, Buff, and before I thought he was just creepy,” he said leaning forward and looking into her eyes. “But I know how it feels now… to be distanced and wanting nothing more than to hold the woman you love. To have the simple pleasure of her company, and for her not to run away when you’re around. I feel what he’s been feeling… and he’s been feeling it a hell of a lot longer than I have,” he said slumping back into his chair again. “I don’t know how he does it.”
Buffy shook her head and tried not to cry. “I used him, Xander. When nothing else would make me feel,” she choked out a sob. “I went to him and demanded something he would’ve given me with a simple look.” Buffy swallowed hard. “I beat him, when he tried to help me, and he never wavered for a second. How can I redeem myself after that? There’s no way it would work if I tried.”
Xander smirked and shook his head. “Buffy, he’s Spike. He’s the only guy who’s never left you hangin’. What makes you think he would turn his back on you now?”
Buffy’s lower lip trembled and she looked at her friend with loving eyes, more than appreciative to hear him say the exact things she had longed to hear. “I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. I was just so afraid of what you would think…” she paused looking over at the stairs. “What you might do…”
Xander didn’t miss the glance over toward the stairs where Willow undoubtedly sat upstairs, fighting off the urge to do a spell and highlighting her school books instead. Her magic’s had continually hurt Buffy, and though Willow meant well, she had gone too far. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out Buffy was threatened by Willows magic, and that she was afraid of being the subject of yet another spell that may affect her life.
Xander looked over at her again and forced another smile. “I think we’ve all learned a lesson out of well, everything. To be honest I was never really open to the idea of you and Spike before I made my big exit at the altar,” Buffy looked at him, surprised he himself brought it up when she knew it caused him so much pain. “But I understand the importance of being happy. If he makes you happy then go to him, but just know that there’s this whole disclaimer at the end where if he hurts you, I get to hurt him, okay?”
Buffy chuckled through the unshed tears brimming in her eyes and jumped up, running around the coffee table and slamming him with a slayer-sized hug. Xander smiled, and tried to laugh but the air was mostly forced out of him under the weight of her embrace.
“Xander,” she said quietly. “Thank you.”
Xander patted her on the back and smiled sadly up at her when she pulled back and looked at him.
She tilted her head and smiled again. “Really, thank you,” she repeated, looking pointedly at him. She couldn’t help but notice this wasn’t the first time he’s done this for her, and that he had been the one to bring her out of her stubborn imploding before. This time, though, she had a feeling it would all work out in the end. She had her friends back on her side, and a man in desperate need of an apology and explanation.
She looked to the door and Xander stood in front of her, knowing her hesitant demeanor immediately. “Go on, Buff. Go to him.”
Buffy smiled and sprang toward the door, grabbing her jacket off the hook as she swung the front door open. Before she left she turned and looked at Xander one more time, loving him just a little more than she had before. “Hey Xand, don’t worry. It’s all gonna work out for you too. It’s just gonna take some time.”
Xander pursed his lips and smiled at her attempt to make him feel better. He knew she meant well, but that didn’t mean she was right. “Thanks.”
More scared than ever, Buffy turned and left the house, shaking slightly as she closed the door behind her, and prepared to make yet another giant leap.
x X x X x X x
Spike sifted through another pile of rubble, collecting anything still intact and tossing it into a cardboard box as he let a cigarette dangle from his lips. The last few weeks had been a complete disaster. He probably couldn’t have screwed it up more if he’d tried. He’d spent the last week or two trying to clear out the lower half of his crypt. It wasn’t exactly safe for sleeping anymore with all the support beams and coffins blown to bits, thanks to his slayer and soldier boy. Wanker.
There was very little left that he could salvage from the wreckage. He’d gotten a candle or two… his favorite lighter and some clothing that had managed not to wind up charred. Luckily everything else of value had been upstairs at the time. It actually wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t have to sleep on that hard sarcophagus upstairs. Everything else he could live without.
Tossing one last item into his box he side stepped rocks and wood chunks over to the ladder and made his way back up, surprised when he saw a pair of stylish yet affordable boots dangling from the sarcophagus. Pulling his eyes up he saw the slayer, sitting there fidgeting with her hands and her head bowed. She looked very much like a child in that moment. So innocent.
If only…
He came to stand in front of her and not so graciously tossed the box down on the hard concrete floor, startling her a little, but she still didn’t look him in the eye. Annoyed, he looked away and shook his head, pulling his smoke from his mouth and crushing it on the wall. “To what do I owe the pleasure, slayer? Come to see another show?”
Buffy was embarrassed by his tone of voice. He was so angry, he had every right to be, but she wished he would be the sweet caring Spike again.
“You were wonderful,” she said quietly, still not meeting his cold gaze.
Spike was sure he’d heard wrong. He had expected her to chastise him for singing, tell him he was no good, or even lie and deny ever being in the club the night before. What he had not expected was for her to tell him he was wonderful. He was so caught of guard he didn’t even know how to respond to it. “How did you find out about it?”
She moved to stand and finally tore her eyes off of her own hands, looking up at him and instantly feeling that spark in her belly that had her wanting to kiss him. How she ever resisted it she’ll never know. “I didn’t. It was an incredible coincidence that we ended up there when we did,” she said tilting her head to the side to match the way he was looking at her. “It was a great show…”
Spike was wary about the way she was acting. It wasn’t like her. She was quiet… and nice. Something had to be going on that he didn’t know about. “Thanks. Wh-“ he paused and took a deep breath. “What are you doin’ here?”
Okay, Buffy thought, scared out of her mind. Jump right to the chase…
“I don’t want to be all cliché and corny, but, listening to you sing your heart out last night… hearing words, or lyrics you wrote yourself… it opened my eyes. And we’re not talking just a little bit… we’re talking all the way open and there was a lot to open…”
Spike eyed her up and down and swallowed, unsure but hopeful for where this was going. “So, what then? You come to collect some cash so you can skip your shift at the burger joint?”
That stung, and Buffy actually winced as she took a tentative step toward him. “I don’t want your money, Spike…”
He looked down at his boots and kicked an imaginary piece of lint.
“I want you…”
Spike was certain that had his heart been beating, it would have stopped. Did she really just say what he hoped she’s said? His eyes were on hers in an instant, searching for some sort of explanation or sign that this was all a joke. Where was the guy with the camera yelling ‘gotcha!’ He swallowed hard and tried to form words… and failed.
Buffy found it absolutely adorable that he had actually become speechless… especially considering he usually had something to say about everything. She took another step toward him, becoming close enough to reach out and touch, so she carefully reached for his hand.
“This isn’t a prank, and I’m hoping to god you’re actually listening because I’m terrified right now, but I need to say it before I let it slip away and hide again. I want to give us a shot… a real one, and I want everyone to know about it.”
Spike blinked and cleared his throat. “Yeah? How will you explain it to your chums? One day you woke up and just decided you liked me a little bit more than the day before?”
Buffy shook her head and blinked. “They know about us; about… what we were doing before. I started telling them after the concert and once I started talking I couldn’t stop.”
Spike let out a dry chuckle. “Great. Now I can sleep with one eye open so I can be prepared when the whelp decides to come off me in the middle of the day…”
Buffy smirked, remembering the miracle of a conversation she’d had with Xander only an hour earlier.
Spike didn’t find her smirk amusing. “Think that’s funny, do you? Spike might get killed tomorrow because all my friends hate him? Tee hee…”
Buffy laughed out loud then and entwined her fingers with his, an action Spike didn’t miss. “Xander came to me and gave me the go-ahead. He’s all for Spike-lovin and I actually just said that out loud didn’t I?” she said standing rigid.
Spike scoffed then, and pulled his hand away. “So that’s it, then. Xander said it was okay so now you can be with me? I wasn’t aware that you needed permission from a bloke who was set to exchange vows with an ex-vengeance demon…”
“No,” Buffy said, suddenly serious and missing the feel of his hand in hers. “I would have come to you either way. It just would have taken me longer to wake up and smell the coffee. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I’m not exactly a genius or even relatively smart when it comes to obvious decisions.”
Spike was beyond confused and Buffy knew it, so she took a deep breath and started to attempt to explain everything that had happened. “Xander’s hurting pretty bad right now, and what kills him the most is that it’s his own fault. It’s got him thinking about a lot of things. Last night, when I finally told them at that club… after we’d all listened to what you had to say and what you were feeling… he wasn’t happy. He was confused and angry that I’d hidden something from him and he dropped me off and didn’t say a word to me.”
Spike opened his mouth to say something but she quickly cut him off, knowing exactly what he was going to say. “He came to me today and apologized… for everything. For meddling in my life, for putting his two cents in when it didn’t belong, and for trying to tell me who I can and can not love. He was sorry.”
Spike was surprised, and somewhat… proud that Xander had finally manned up and admitted defeat in the Buffy’s life department.
“Xander encouraged me to come here tonight, to tell you how I feel and let myself be happy… with you.”
Spike was at a loss for words. Part of him was certain he must have tripped and fallen down under the crypt and he was now hallucinating.
“It wasn’t his permission that got me here, Spike. I would have found my way on my own eventually. It was his pain and loneliness that showed me… I don’t want to be like that, and I don’t want you to be like that. I just know that I want to be with you. You’ve given me and Dawn so much… I don’t know how I can ever repay you-“
Spike was done listening to her talk. She had a tendency to babble when she was nervous and he didn’t have time for that. Right now he needed to be kissing her, to feel her lips against his and her body pressed up against his own. He needed her… after everything they’d been through, he still needed her. He would always need her...
His lips were on hers in an instant, and she immediately hummed as she let her body sink into his, using his weight to hold her up. She couldn’t believe she’d never let herself be this content with him, to let him take her into a world where nothing was bad and everything could only get better. That was how she felt with him right now, with the air clear and a huge yellow brick road leading them toward a future. It wouldn’t be a perfect one, of that she was sure, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t enjoy as much of it as she possibly could. He was kissing her now, and she felt as if she never wanted to stop… and that was something.
Spike wanted to weep with the relief he felt at having her in his arms again, and at her own will. She wasn’t going to run this time; he could feel it in his bones. This was the beginning of something very good and he was never going to let it go. He pulled back enough to let her take in a breath, but rested his forehead against hers as she gulped in lungs full of air.
“Please tell me this is real and I’m not dreaming… pinch me or something…”
Buffy smirked and pinched him, causing him to rise up on his toes and make a face at her. “Minx…”
Buffy smiled and leaned in for another mind blowing kiss, the first of many, and wrapped her arms around his hard tight body, reveling in the feel of him.
He pulled back again and held her face in his hands, gazing into her emerald eyes that shone back at him. “Buffy I love you.”
Buffy swallowed hard and smiled. “I know you do, and it makes me feel…” she sighed and pleaded with her eyes. “Just give me a little time to say it back, okay?”
Spike smiled and nodded, looking down at her pink juicy lips. “I’ll take what I can get.”
She giggled, and Spike swore he’d find new ways to make her make that sound all the time, because as of right now that was his favorite sound in the world. Buffy rose up on her tippy-toes and wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing him with more passion than she’d ever thought she could ever harness in her new life. She finally felt alive again… fully alive and it was only because he had been there and been patient and made her feel that way.
“So,” Spike muttered in between kisses. “First thing on my to-do list tomorrow is to send the whelp a gift basket,” he said as Buffy moved in for another kiss. “But I think that perhaps you should take me home with you so I can get a good nights rest first, since you so rudely blew up my bedroom a few weeks back…”
Buffy giggled and looked him in the eye; lips red and swollen from their mini make out session. “Sounds fair enough… on one condition, though.”
Spike tucked an unruly strand of hair behind her ear with one hand and held her tight against his body with the other. “Name it…”
“You have to sing for me again, only this time make it a private show…”
Spike arched a brow at her and picked her up, spinning and pinning her against a pillar in the crypt, pressing his body against hers as he slid down her body. “How’s about we give you a singing lesson instead, eh pet? We’ll start right here…”
Buffy smiled and placed a hand on his shoulder as she slid his way down her body, disappearing below her belt and making quick work of her clothing. And much to her, and his, satisfaction, he did make her sing... again, and again, and again…
THE END
Deny by Eternal Love
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Okay, here's another one completed. Yay me!
Chapter End Notes:
Thanks for reading!! Let me know what you think!!